By TED SANSON
The Mouth of OTT
Good evening, Trax Pack! As ya’ll know, tonight – Thanksgiving Eve – is the biggest party night of the year (#CoolMove)!!! For those of us who still live at home (here, here) and those fortunate scumbags who don’t, we’ll all be traveling back to our local watering holes to get polluted (On Trax) and say “whaddup” to some old “friends.” In the process, we’ll see people we haven’t seen in YEARS – or at least since last year’s TGE festivities – some we like, and some can get Ebola and die a miserable death for all we care. Since misery loves company and bad news sells, I bring to you “The 5 People to Avoid on Thanksgiving Eve.”
5. The smug Ivy League Valedictorian.
This may not be relatable to everyone, but since it’s relatable to me and this is MY platform, I’m gonna lead off this wonderful EliteDaily (haha, what a crock of shit) style list with this little doozy. You know that entitled intellectual that laughs off your thoughts and ideas as heretic nonsense because you don’t possess the same sparkling credentials of “academia?” Well I know a clown just like this. In fact, in his graduation speech, this particular bozo said that our generation would cure AIDS, hunger, and cancer….(LOLZ what a crock of shit). When In fact, our generation will only SPREAD AIDS through our culture of wild promiscuity (#CoolMove?), WATCH the Hunger games (#CoolMove), and GET cancer from cell phone radiation, processed food, and workout supplements (cancer is always a #ToolMove). So please, save me the idealistic bullshit politician prose and get real (or in this case, ON TRAX). And if I bump into you at the bar, I have no desire to listen to your phony proclamations….stay away from me and the Trax Pack while we down our shots of Antifreeze.
4. The bad bitch that knows you “jumped offsides”.
Falsestarts are common miscues not only for the Giants and Jets, but for High School hookups as well. You know the one bad bitch from Spanish class that would always blow up your Facebook wall and you wanted to hit it oh so bad but thought she was out of your league? Well, one night at a party you must’ve been looking fly or she must’ve been feeling a little extra froggy and the opportunity presented itself in grand fashion. But before you could T her up from the feet up, your excitement got the best of you and you went all Jim Levenstein on Nadia (American Pie reference, you TOOLS) and the pipes burst before the hot water was even flowing out of the faucet. You’ve assembled quite the impressive hit list since then, but one can never live down such a moment of futility. You know it happened – and so does she. Hopefully she’s not fat/pregnant/engaged/married/diseased ridden and she drinks enough Antifreeze for you to hit it right this time (I’m a big believer in second chances).
3. Members of your rival crew (this one is for the ladies).
The “Sharks” had the “Jets”. John Travolta had those weird Cuban looking greasers that always wanted to drag race and dance off (Step Up isn’t so original, now huh?). Haven’t seen that Lindsey Lohan “Mean Girls” movie, but I’m sure those bitches had their detractors. Odds are, you had a crew that you competed for dudes over, their facebook pics got more likes than yours (high school is the epicenter of vanity, narcissism, and excessive competition), their “Head Hoe” garnered more prom queen votes, and these skanks somehow generated more hallway buzz. Despite the fact you’ve moved on – joined a well-reputed sorority (AHAHAHA if such a thing exists), haven’t gotten preggers, and are happy with your current socioeconomic standing and are now an “adult,” you still cringe every single time you see one of these trashy bitches. But since you’re a female, you exchange pleasantries for a few minutes about your current job and your current man and say “OMG I’m so happy for you, that’s so nice.” Shortly thereafter, you return to your crew and say “OMG did you see Lindsey!!! Her hair is AWFUL…..and she’s so FAT!” So instead of being a fake ass female, T suggests you leave these hoes alone, or if you’re longing for the drama of yesteryear it would be a #CoolMove to buy some Antifreeze and dump it on Lindsey’s raggedy mane she calls hair.
2. The jock fallen on hard times.
I think everyone can relate to this one – think Uncle Rico, Kenny Powers, or Al Bundy. A once-upon-a-time stud who spent his high school days slinging touchdowns, hitting homers, and banging not only 3-pointers but half the cheerleading squad, now lives with his mom, sells used cars, pops painkillers, and STILL bangs girls in high school (#CoolMove….hahaha KIDDING. Or am I?). This guy never stops talking about the “Glory Days” and the “injury” – be it real or imagined – that prevented him from making it to “The Show”. While a nice guy and usually very funny, this dude follows you around all night boasting loudly about himself and touching you every time he makes a point. T’s advice? Do one shot of Antifreeze with the “Local Legend” and dart for the opposite corner of the bar.
1. The one fat girl that blew you at that one party that one time you drank one too many Busch Lights.
This is one I think EVERYONE can relate to. One night you’re out with the boys, drinkin’ and actin’ a fool, you strike out on a few lusty ladies and at the end of the night you’re drunk, a little let down, and looking to score. This one chubby chick has been eyeing you up all night and you know it’s EZ pickens. So you go to the laundry room or the darkest corner of the basement, and “cop some dome” (fat girls are supposed to be the best, right?). You were probably so faded you didn’t even go “awww skeet, skeet” like Lil’ Jon, but when you woke up the damage had already been done. All your boys are laughing and cracking jokes for the forseeable…..I don’t know, five million years. And you’re like….”Dude I didn’t even kiss her (right….ok…so she just went down there without anything to jumpstart her salacious appetite).” You’re over it, and you’ve had some nice Ws under your belt since, but you know it happened. And worst of all, you made eye contact in the “Moment of Truth”. So the last thing you need when you’re downing shots of Antifreeze with your boys is to lock eyes with this thirsty hog – again. T’s advice? “Shake It Off” like Mariah (not Taylor) and enjoy the night. Better days lie ahead.
Now that my list is complete, it’s time to get “Off the Trax” and have a few alcoholic beverages with the Trax Pack at the Cottage. Whatever you do OTTers, stay away from number 1 and stuff that turkey right this time if you happen to bond with 4 over some Jameson N’ Ginger. Oh, and whatever you do DO NOT DRIVE!!! If you’re feeling extra saucy, call Uber or if you have a friend with a boring girlfriend that doesn’t drink it would be wise to give her a call.
Happy Holidays, Trax Pack (even though I hate the fucking holidays) !!!